Road Trip!
Goint to Orlando, Florida tomorrow for the Capital One Bowl. Gotta follow my Auburn Tigers!
Unless there is a computer in the hotel, I’ll see ya’ll back again on Tuesday.
WDE!
The Christmas Triangle of Death
Every year I am forced to travel the Christmas Triangle of Death. This life threatening feat is performed by traveling with all four imediate members of my family (Mom, Dad, Brother, and I) in one automobile for fifteen hours over the course of three days. The route is traditionally Atlanta to Birmingham on Christmas Eve, Birmingham to Red Boiling Springs, TN on Christmas Day, and Tennessee to Atlanta on the 26th. See map below (we actually take I-65 North out of Birmingham and not all those back roads, but that’s really neither here nor there…) Another side note is that we actualy left for Birmingham a day early this year, so it wasn’t as bad as normal!
Please don’t misunderstand me. I love my family very much and we usually get along wonderfully, but there’s something about spending that much time in a confined space with family over the holidays that makes me about want to explode. Please don’t also misunderstand that I really enjoy seeing all of my family in Alabama and Tennessee, and wouldn’t pass it up for the world – I just wish we owned a small commuter airplane. That’s all I’m saying!
So, here’s my game plan for surviving the Christmas Triangle Of Death – One iPod, fully charged with recharger in hand.
Unfortunately, I will be traveling the Christmas Triangle of Death until I am married – which unless you know something I don’t – won’t be for a while.
Which leads me to my next item of contention…. Could I please get one more question about how many girlfriends I have, or when I’m getting married? Again, love my Grandparents, but if I wasn’t wound up enough from all the driving, that’ll sure be one question to make any single twenty-somthing just about loose it. Praise God my parents don’t badger me with that question – I am eternally grateful.
Overall Christmas 2005 was excellent. As much as I have thrown all of my family members completely under the bus above, I really do love spending time with them all. As I grow older and have less need for real presents, the more I find that the biggest present, and one I enjoy most is just being able to spend time with family. You never know how long you’ll have them around!
Quick Note -
Garon switched up some settings on my webpage making it only necessary to type in http://www.stewartgrace.com to get to my page. Anything else either might not work, or will take you to an old, non updated version of the page. Please change your bookmarks!
Second, as you’ve probably noticed, the updates haven’t been coming as often recently. I fully and completely blame Comcast for that. My internet at home doesn’t work except for when I’m home for lunch, and then until about 7pm. It doesn’t work after 7, nor does it work in the mornings. I’ve called, and they sent out a guy that couldn’t do anything, so they are now going to have to send out another guy. It’s all very frustrating, and quite the mental block on my creativity.
Hope everyone had a great Christmas, and hopefully you’ll start hearing from me here more often again soon!
College Football and the Simpsons
An email forward I just couldn’t resist posting. Happy Bowling, and War Eagle!
Georgia: Homer Simpson
Like Homer, the Dawgs are a good-hearted bunch who aren’t always the most socially acceptable people in any given group, but they mean well. Ever since Vince Dooley surrendered the job of head coach, they’ve been hoping someone will call them “sir” without adding “you’re making a scene,” and though season after season seems to have been set up for breakthrough success in recent years, they still manage to trip over something along the way. Which usually has something to do with . . .
Florida: Bart Simpson
Flippant, cocky, some dare call them “assholes,” but they’re the kind of guys who, even when they’re not completely on their game — which pretty much describes Florida ever since Spurrier left — are still good enough to be envied by 90% of everyone else. Despite whatever shortcomings they may have, they’re still a constant thorn in pretty much everyone else’s side. Both are also frequently seen in blue shorts of some kind. And both have consistently managed to get the better of . . .
Tennessee: Sideshow Bob
Both Sideshow Bob and Big Orange Nation are convinced of their own superiority, though there’s not much backing either of them up these days. Sideshow Bob has been spending most of his time in jail, while the Vols have been sucking wind on a 5-6 season (and spending a lot of time in jail). Two of the most easily dislikeable characters in their respective neighborhoods.
South Carolina: Edna Krabappel
Like Edna, the Gamecocks have gone a long time with very little to celebrate, and they’ve gotten used to crushing disappointment. Yet there’s that kinda-sexy, kinda-trashy thing about both of them that tell you she could be really hot if only the right guy with the initials SS — be it Seymour Skinner or Steve Spurrier — came along.
Vanderbilt: Lisa Simpson
A lone voice of reason and intellect in a ‘hood that is otherwise completely insane. She rarely garners much attention for her exploits, but yeah, she is gonna be your boss one day.
Kentucky: Ralphie Wiggum
Utterly, completely, laughably dysfunctional, and just as utterly, completely, laughably unaware of this situation (unless the UK administration honestly believes Rich Brooks is their ticket to the big-time). And now the ‘Cats have to deal with NCAA sanctions on top of that. “You’ll wear ‘em until you learn, son.”
LSU: Nelson Muntz
The schoolyard bully, LSU would just as soon kick your ass as look at you, and then laugh about it. Yet there’s deep dysfunction lurking within that’s always the chink in the armor. Residual anger over a deadbeat dad? Turnover issues? An inexplicable fourth-quarter collapse to Tennessee? An equally inexplicable crush on Lisa? Yeah, they’re scary, but that doesn’t make them invincible. Very complex characters both.
Alabama: Moe Szyslak
The crankiest, most dyspeptic fan base in all of college football, and the biggest complainers. Win or lose, there’s something to fume about, usually a perceived lack of respect from everyone else. While Moe/Alabama is absolutely convinced that everyone else sucks, though, they also suffer from some deep-seated self-loathing. Yes, Alabama, you went 3-8 not that long ago. Yes, you got jilted by Dennis Franchione. But you’re still better than dirt. Well, not that fancy store-bought dirt. That stuff’s loaded with nutrients. You can’t compete with that stuff.
Auburn: Marge Simpson
Just as Marge has a long history with Homer, so does Auburn have a long history with Georgia; the Tigers and Dawgs have been inexorably linked ever since they played the Southeast’s first college football game in Piedmont Park more than a century ago. They spar on a regular basis, and while Marge/Auburn frequently gets the better of her counterpart, she still feels underappreciated for her exploits. Every once in a while, this simmering resentment comes boiling to the surface, but Marge usually just solves this with a weekend at Rancho Relaxo. Auburn, regrettably, lunges for the fire hose.
Ole Miss and Mississippi State: Lenny and Carl, respectively
Perpetual sidekicks, occasionally good for a laugh, but they’re almost certain to never make their way into the limelight. However, the Rebels and Bulldogs have a grand total of one appearance in the SEC championship game. Even Lenny and Carl can count on at least a little screen time in each episode.
Arkansas: Groundskeeper Willie
A loner, an outsider, a funny-talkin’ sort who comes off as just plain weird to most other people. Yet there’s just something indescribably dangerous about them that can be counted on to rear its ugly head every once in a while.
And a quick look around the country:
Southern Cal: Fat Tony DeMico
He is the Godfather, the man with the plan, the man pulling the strings. And if you’ve turned on ESPN in the last five months, you know there’s absolutely no escaping his clutches.
Notre Dame: Montgomery Burns
Been around since the beginning of time; the amount of money and power he controls is massive, absurd, and quite frankly, a little scary. The kind of guy everyone in town loves to hate — but they’d switch places with him in half a second.
Boston College: Waylon Smithers
Loves Montgomery Burns. Wants soooo bad to be Montgomery Burns. Ain’t gonna happen. (Note: This is in no way intended as a knock on Doug Flutie, one of the most awesome people who ever lived.)
Texas: Mayor Diamond Joe Quimby
Powerful, attention-getting, glamorous, yet always in danger of being brought low by its unshakeable vices — e.g. money, poontang, losing to Oklahoma.
Miami: Snake
A straight-up thug and proud of it. If you don’t fear him, you’re a fool; if you don’t dislike him, you’re just a dick.
Florida State: Police Chief Clancy Wiggum
Oh, man, what a season. It’s no cakewalk being an aging football coach, juggling a punchless offense and a growing nepotism controversy like so many juggling balls . . . two, I suppose. Still an authority figure, mainly because nobody else stepped up to take the job, but getting easier and easier to laugh at.
Virginia Tech: Krusty the Klown
Famous, powerful, living the kind of celebrity life anyone in his circle would gladly trade for. Yet each is haunted by his own demons of self-loathing — Krusty is constantly worried he’s going to be exposed as a no-talent fraud, while the Hokies are constantly worried they really are going to be pumping gas one day for the kids over in Charlottesville.
Ohio State: Drederick Tatum
Thugs. They may wear nice outfits, but they’re still thugs.
Virginia: Apu Nahasapeemapetilon
Went through long, difficult, trying ordeals to get from where they started out (the slums of India, a 32-77-1 record in the 1970s) to where they are now . . . which still ain’t that good, unless you like working in a convenience store or spending your postseason on blue Astroturf. Then there’s the whole mustache thing.
Michigan: Kent Brockman
Huge television draws both, and because of that, you just can’t quite get away from either the Wolverines or Brockman, and they demand your attention. Yet neither is quite as relevant as they think. At least three losses in six straight seasons? Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this squarely on YOU, the viewers.
Texas A&M: Disco Stu
Once upon a time, both Stu and TAMU were forces to be reckoned with. Now they are sad shells of their former selves, regarded mostly with head-shaking derision.
Army/Navy: Kang/Kodos
In both cases, both of these guys are really on different planets compared to the rest of us. Yet any recruit who’d pass up a shot at NFL dollars for the chance to serve his country is pretty far beyond the rest of us, too.
Georgia Tech: Comic Book Guy
This one I shouldn’t really have to explain.
Oklahoma: Superintendent Chalmers
Powerful guys who’ve risen to the top, or very near, but where do they go from here? Just as Chalmers harbors ambitions of running for higher office, wouldn’t the Sooners love to go to a national-title game and not get their asses handed to them this time?
Penn State: Abe Simpson
Old school. Older-than-old school. At times they almost make you worry they’re losing it, but even then they demand your respect. After all, have you won 357 D-IA games or fought with the Flying Hellfish in WWII? No? Then STFU, whippersnapper! (Came up with this independent of commenters, but since corroborated by numerous people.)
Wisconsin: Barney Gumble
Stout, hard-drinking, the life of every party — yet even when things are going well, they’re never very far from total collapse. (Also one of those great-minds-think-alike situations.)
Michigan State: Gil the Salesman
All together now: “Damn, that felt like a Big 10 championship season!” It always begins the same with these guys, so hopeful, so full of promise, but they always manage to blow it sometime before the deal is closed. Since Gil is supposedly based on Jack Lemmon’s sad-sack character from the film adaptation of “Glengarry Glen Ross,” we have some advice for the Spartans: Coffee is for closers.
Illinois: Milhouse Van Houten
Everything’s coming up Illini! Yeah, sure it is. A sidekick, a second banana, a perennial also-ran. Even when good things happen for them, it ain’t really that good, and thus they’ve become conditioned to accept mediocrity. Linked to Florida/Bart Simpson (q.v.).
BYU: Ned Flanders
Like Vanderbilt/Lisa Simpson, a lonely voice of reason and morality, only waaaay more in-your-face about it. And white — so very, very white. So white they make George Will look like Young Jeezy. So white they can be seen from space.
Utah: Maude Flanders
Basically Ned, but hotter.
UCLA: Troy McClure
“Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such recent embarrassing bowl losses as the 2004 Las Vegas Bowl or the 2003 Silicon Valley Classic.” Straight-up Hollywood, still a headline-maker, but the celebrity sheen masks a distinct lack of substance — McClure can’t really act, while the Bruins can’t really play any defense. In severe danger of being superseded by newer, hotter stars, such as . . .
Oregon: Rainer Wolfcastle
Suffers from some of the same shortcomings as its rival (acting/defense), yet their overall body of work has been more solid of late. And with Nike dumping all of that money into the Ducks’ program, they can afford to sleep on top of a pile of money, with many beautiful ladies.
Washington and Washington State: Patty and Selma Bouvier
Washington chose celibacy by hiring Ty Willingham, Washington State had celibacy thrust upon it by being located out in the middle of f#@!ing nowhere. They may have been hot once, but while they may pop up and do something amazing every once in a while — Wazzou by sneaking into a Rose Bowl, Selma by somehow marrying Krusty or Troy McClure — life is pretty sad and barren for them at the moment.
Stanford: Martin Prince
Smart. Quite often annoyingly so. Those who feel inferior because of this can console themselves with the knowledge that both Martin and Stanford will be grease spots in short order, at the hands of either a school bully or a Pac-10 team with a remotely competent offense.
Fresno State, Texas Christian, and Southern Miss: Jimbo, Dolph, and Kearney
Nothing-to-lose ass-kickers from the wrong side of the BCS tracks. They’re stuck in a dead-end situation, to be sure, but that doesn’t mean they won’t whip your ass and then laugh about it afterwards.
Hockey Anyone?
I’ve got one extra ticket for tomorrow night’s (Thursday night) Thrashers game. Melissa, Dr. Dave and I are already signed up – anyone else care to join us? Tickets are free and the seats are good. Call, email, comment, or send by carrier pigeon your interest. Hope all is well!
Random
Have you ever noticed that when two women are talking to each other, the pitch of their voice is directly disproportional to the level of their sincerity? It’s like they have this extra octave that they use just to be fake to each other.
If you think talking on your cell phone while driving is tough, try text messaging! That’ll up the degree of difficulty.
Just got a call from one of the guys in my small group (who shall remain nameless) asking if we were still having small group tonight. We are, so he was like ‘cool, well I’ll see you in a minute if I remember how to get there.’ I’d understand if I just moved, but I’ve lived with Dave Harper since….. June.
A Foolproof Plan
Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been to a number of Christmas parties, many with guys in my fantasy football league. We are now in the middle of the playoffs for the league, and inevitably spend a lot of time talking about it at these parties. However, there are consequences. That is the almost immediate desertion of any and all females within a good 10-15 foot radius. Unfortunately it works every time…
The championship game is next weekend between Dalton and I. It’s gonna be awesome.
Ladies, please stand by. We’ll be back after Christmas.
Help! Help! I’m being repressed!
I carry around scars from my childhood that to this day I am still having to deal with. I utterly and completely blame my parents for this repression, and I can only now begin to talk about it.
I have been repressed and denied childhood extacy in the realm of sugary breakfast cereals.
Yes, that’s right. Sugary Breakfast Cereals (SBC for short) were never present in my house growing up. Some kids had all the luck, waking up every morning, and especially on Saturday mornings to the boxes and boxes of “double diped chocolate covered frosted sugar bombs”! Three and four bowls of the stuff would build and escalate into an addicted sugar frenzy that in one glorious moment would climax and burst! Sending the addict crashing back down to reality. (notice the correlation to crack cocaine? But I digress..)
However the Grace residence lay quiet as we settled for the mundaine, the healthy, the digestive-friendly. Cheerios, Total, and anything with almonds and raisins ruled the cabinets of our kitchen. When we got crazy we’d have Honey Nut Cheerios, but even Frosted Flakes proved to be too much for our household.
Even in our SBC captivity, we had moments of freedom. My Aunt in Birmingham always had Frosted Flakes and whenever we visited we never missed breakfast. Another even bigger event was going to the beach. While we weren’t allowed a full parole from SBC captivity we had a weekend pass to get the mini cereal variety six packs. Yes, some of those included Musilix, but we also got our Pops, Smacks, and Lucky Charms. It was glorious!
Fifteen years later this repression is still playing out. While I admit to enjoy a good bowl of Granola (with rasins, of course), there is never far behind a box of “double diped chocolate covered frosted sugar bombs” in my shopping cart. Is it healthy? I don’t care.
Christmas Cards
I’m a little behind on this but please forgive me, it’s our busy season at work (left at 8pm last night ugh…). I’ve decided that I’m going to send out christmas cards this year. Now, I don’t have everyone’s address… So, you’re going to have to help me out by emailing it to me. If there is some crazy database out there with everyone’s address on it that I could get a hold of I would be forever appreciative….
Merry Christmas!
Glory To God!
A week ago, I was at 722 and they played a new arangement of “Angles We Have Heard On High”.
It totally rocked my world.
I wasn’t able to go to 722 this week, but I watched it online last night, and they played it again! If you haven’t heard it, go to 722′s webpage and it begins around 8:30 on the most current series ‘Part 4 – The Other Half’.
keep looking »