The Mystery of Toothbrushes
Earlier tonight I stood at the grocery store in front of the huge wall of toothbrushes trying to decide which one I should buy. Am I the only one that has absolutely no clue how to tell any of the brushes apart? I understand the softness of the bristles, but after that, I’m lost. They come in all shapes, sizes, and (mostly hideous) colors.
It’s a bit of a brilliant marketing scheme though, because I’m betting the average life of a toothbrush is longer than the memory span of its user. Suffice to say, if I buy a toothbrush that really sucks, I have absolutely no way of making sure I don’t make the same mistake three months from now.
Inevitably staring at them for a minute or two, I always buy the one with the least offensive color scheme – should someone else ever see it. At least there’s a method to the madness.
How to Rob a Bank
One of my favorite musicians, Willy Porter, is releasing an album soon and the title track is a Dylan-esque masterpiece commentary on American culture. The lyrics are below, and you can listen to the song here.
How to Rob a Bank
Willy Porter
Some say I’ll need a driver, a Nixon mask and gun
But let me tell you brothers and sisters that’s not how you get a bank job done
You can’t walk in there brazen with an Uzi like Patty Hearst
I’m gonna secure myself a seat on the board of directors first
That’s how you rob a bank
I’ll get some decent suits and a bogus business plan
Become well-versed in the etiquette of Wall Street Disney Land
Hit the country clubs eating peanuts and drinking Scotch
I’ll talk the recent trends and fart into a velvet couch
That’s how you rob a bank
I’ll get a foundation to give me thanks
I’ll give my congressman a wank
Apologize for all I drank when I pulled that goldfish from the tank
And gave those debutantes a spank
That’s how you rob a bank
Then I’ll cry to congress that I just can’t survive
After giving loans to folks for homes they can’t afford to buy
And building useless cars that no one wants to buy
Then I’ll threaten massive lay-offs just like blackmail in disguise
That’s how you rob a bank
My family won’t judge me
They’ll accept the gifts I send
Even though it’s not my money, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t spend
As the dough piles up like snow in Switzerland
I’ll smile as the Feds come take me in
And with an army of lawyers I’ll soon outflank
And spin the tale of how my ship sank
I’ll get my bonus and give my thanks
I’ll spend six measly months in Shawshank
That’s how you rob a bank
I’ll say truth in lending is a two-way street
Wall Street put the fire to my feet
The SEC never even took a peek
Blame it all on unchecked greed in a time of war
That’s how you rob a bank
Three things
I got bored, and decided to fill this out.
THREE NAMES I GO BY:
Stewart
Stew
(that’s all I’ll admit to)
THREE JOBS I HAVE HAD IN MY LIFE
I Can’t Believe It’s Yogurt
Bagel Boulevard
Mailboxes Etc.
THREE PLACES I HAVE LIVED
Atlanta, GA
Auburn, AL
Athens, GA
THREE TV SHOWS THAT I WATCH
How I Met Your Mother
The Biggest Loser
Burn Notice
THREE PLACES I HAVE BEEN
Nepal
Peru
New Zealand
PEOPLE THAT E-MAIL ME REGULARLY
H.
Facebook
Kevin
THREE OF MY FAVORITE FOODS
Barbecue (Slope’s)
Mexican (Willy’s)
Pizza (Felini’s)
THREE THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO
Going to Egypt/Istanbul in May
Warm weather and seersucker
Football season
Barack Obama thinks Austrian is a language
Don’t think that President Bush was the only president to say stupid things